bringing me down
there you have it.
i really don't understand why people lie. it's one of those things which can truly scar my image about a person.
you see in this office, just like any other office i've been in, teasing amongst the single people or pairing up can be one of those pastimes. in this office, i've been paired up with ramil, my one and only mentor, with jubert, with whom i got a thumbs down all too frequently, and with omar, a guy who i end up being close with since we're the only ones in the office around the same age. however, unlike other offices, people in this office also take trips and group gimiks frequently. somewhere in between, omar and i get a few bonding moments. or perhaps i can blame it on working late where temporary breaks include chatting on work difficulties or what-nots.
six months after, i realized i felt a jealous tinge when omar gets teased with someone else. everyone else thought this was attraction, i thought otherwise. other factors i linked with attraction were lacking like daydreaming about the person, missing the person, admiring the person over some factor, or thinking about the person in his absence were just not there. that was the only clear emotion i felt then, jealousy. the problem i had with this was that jealousy is an emotion you could feel with anyone and not just with someone you're attracted to. it could be felt towards on officemate who got promoted, a sibling who got an extra slice of cake, or a friend who was able to buy his own house.
i opened this up with a few officemates in april 2006 and this was the first time i felt this jealous tinge. personally, i felt like it was a tree in the middle of a cemented highway. it's a road hazard one might have to wait on before it decides to wilt. i decided to kill this tree before it brought me further hazard.
by july of the same year, the whole office then learned about my personal frustation. by then, omar remained unaware. and i, i remained annoyed that we had to be teased while i went about finding ways of getting over it. other things occurred as well. i would see him going out for a movie with a girl, a girl he previously denied he liked but later on admitted having momentary attractions for. when he bought this girl a necklace back in boracay, i remembered i was the companion he tagged along. literally seeing him leave to watch a concert with another girl was also really not new. the usual one-on-one dinners with other girls later on became casual news.
by summer of 2007, the usual boracay trip again happened. this round, a spin-the-bottle game was played and i knew then i would eventually be on the hot seat. after the bottle pointed towards me, i was then asked if i had feelings for omar. i replied yes. that was the end of that night. omar and i walked from the beach towards the lodge talking. the result of the discussion, nothing really. he wanted us to stay friends. i thought it was mature. i was thankful.
other things happened since then. in may 2007, we went to sagada where he was kind enough to assist jeo during the trip tho i was the trip's organizer. by august, he gave me pogz, who is a dog right now. before 2007 ended, he treated me at north park since i won a bet, fed me at malapascua for lunch and dinner since i didn't have money, bought me koperoti bun while going around the block, ran after me when i just left our group cuz he thought there was something wrong with me, continuously gave me a ring on that time i left him in the mall, regularly gave me enseymada or some bread for miryenda, or order two bowls of soup one for me and another for him at chowking. these were his usual acts of kindness. oh, and let me add. we were just friends around this time. it was also around this time that i went out on dates with memong and abner.
so, what's my fuss?
recently, i have been asking him simple questions. to which i receive negative replies. 'may ka-sametime ka?' 'wala' when it was evident on his screen that he has someone on sametime. 'nood ka nitong concert bukas?' 'nope' and he did watch the concert. even bought the concert's most expensive ticket.
today, i kidded him on YM about his recent 'dates'. which i thought were not really dates since that was what omar insisted on. however, i went ahead and teased mia and subsequently omar about it.
mia was grasping on what words to say. omar, on the other hand, was serious. i, weirded out, continued heckling the two via YM. i was often asked and teased about my dates so i was clueless on the difference here.
finally, omar blurted out lines like
"it's my life and there are things that i'd like to keep to myself."
i know this line. i've encountered it before when i was asking about his dinner with farrah. i simply asked if he went out on a movie with farrah and he went on a rampage about his time being his own. his reply was an over-reaction to a one-line query. i understood what it meant then and i still understand what it means now. then, i told myself not to ask him anymore about questions of those nature. how was i to know that his trips with mia were of the same nature?
"and please do not look badly at mia because of this. wala siyang kinalaman. ako ang nagyayaya." i rarely speak with mia. i think she's a cool girl actually. i find her funny. was just chatting with her before i went on leave and i was laughing then.
and here's the top prize, the point of all my fuss
"i'm sorry if i lied. but that's just the way i want it to be." why lie? what for? i would understand if someone's life was at stake? but, why lie here? i've always seen him go out with other girls before? i've always thought honesty was his chief priority. why the lie here? these are merely simple questions. who is he protecting? mia? i won't go charging mia, that would definitely take me out of line and i definitely know where i stand. me? from what? i've seen and heard worse before.
some icing on the cake would be comments like
"let's finish this. anything else?" yeah. but then, that's him. and comments like these though annoying are usual.
anyway, my lines were
' i hate it when people lie. it's just one of those things i don't understand people do. on that note, you shouldn't tell people to trust you' that's cuz he used to tell me the line 'trust me'. a hehehe here..
'so i think you'd understand if i don't speak with you every now and then, since i won't know when you're holding back,when you're lying, or when you're actually sharing.' that's cuz it's difficult for me to speak with someone and assess if they are telling me the whole story. that's what i do at work. assess people i speak with. and with friends, i really would want a break and just get the full story without having to determine, assess, and evaluate. that's what i need of friends, honesty. i won't be asking a question if i was not prepared for an answer. i recklessly dish out thoughtless comments and like someone told me, i should choke down on some my own.
so, what's the fuss?
after more than two years, i'm burning bridges. this is how much i dislike lying. i really don't see the logic and rational in it. even devils don't lie with each other. i wonder why it has to be done between friends. i value my friends. and sharing is usual one of those things allowing friendships to grow and develop. it's cliche but in common friendships when the sharing stops, the friendship usually dies out as well. how will this relationship further grow if simple questions like these can not be answered upfront? i am angry actually. furious, in fact. i don't like to burn bridges. building one takes time, a portion of your spirit is shared, a memory is injected in your mind. do i feel insulted? i dunno. disappointed? maybe.
i just hope the need to fabricate is not made out of fear. then that will really tick me off. cuz there are very few things i have low tolerance for aside from lying, cowardice is one of them.
i really don't understand why people lie. it's one of those things which can truly scar my image about a person.
you see in this office, just like any other office i've been in, teasing amongst the single people or pairing up can be one of those pastimes. in this office, i've been paired up with ramil, my one and only mentor, with jubert, with whom i got a thumbs down all too frequently, and with omar, a guy who i end up being close with since we're the only ones in the office around the same age. however, unlike other offices, people in this office also take trips and group gimiks frequently. somewhere in between, omar and i get a few bonding moments. or perhaps i can blame it on working late where temporary breaks include chatting on work difficulties or what-nots.
six months after, i realized i felt a jealous tinge when omar gets teased with someone else. everyone else thought this was attraction, i thought otherwise. other factors i linked with attraction were lacking like daydreaming about the person, missing the person, admiring the person over some factor, or thinking about the person in his absence were just not there. that was the only clear emotion i felt then, jealousy. the problem i had with this was that jealousy is an emotion you could feel with anyone and not just with someone you're attracted to. it could be felt towards on officemate who got promoted, a sibling who got an extra slice of cake, or a friend who was able to buy his own house.
i opened this up with a few officemates in april 2006 and this was the first time i felt this jealous tinge. personally, i felt like it was a tree in the middle of a cemented highway. it's a road hazard one might have to wait on before it decides to wilt. i decided to kill this tree before it brought me further hazard.
by july of the same year, the whole office then learned about my personal frustation. by then, omar remained unaware. and i, i remained annoyed that we had to be teased while i went about finding ways of getting over it. other things occurred as well. i would see him going out for a movie with a girl, a girl he previously denied he liked but later on admitted having momentary attractions for. when he bought this girl a necklace back in boracay, i remembered i was the companion he tagged along. literally seeing him leave to watch a concert with another girl was also really not new. the usual one-on-one dinners with other girls later on became casual news.
by summer of 2007, the usual boracay trip again happened. this round, a spin-the-bottle game was played and i knew then i would eventually be on the hot seat. after the bottle pointed towards me, i was then asked if i had feelings for omar. i replied yes. that was the end of that night. omar and i walked from the beach towards the lodge talking. the result of the discussion, nothing really. he wanted us to stay friends. i thought it was mature. i was thankful.
other things happened since then. in may 2007, we went to sagada where he was kind enough to assist jeo during the trip tho i was the trip's organizer. by august, he gave me pogz, who is a dog right now. before 2007 ended, he treated me at north park since i won a bet, fed me at malapascua for lunch and dinner since i didn't have money, bought me koperoti bun while going around the block, ran after me when i just left our group cuz he thought there was something wrong with me, continuously gave me a ring on that time i left him in the mall, regularly gave me enseymada or some bread for miryenda, or order two bowls of soup one for me and another for him at chowking. these were his usual acts of kindness. oh, and let me add. we were just friends around this time. it was also around this time that i went out on dates with memong and abner.
so, what's my fuss?
recently, i have been asking him simple questions. to which i receive negative replies. 'may ka-sametime ka?' 'wala' when it was evident on his screen that he has someone on sametime. 'nood ka nitong concert bukas?' 'nope' and he did watch the concert. even bought the concert's most expensive ticket.
today, i kidded him on YM about his recent 'dates'. which i thought were not really dates since that was what omar insisted on. however, i went ahead and teased mia and subsequently omar about it.
mia was grasping on what words to say. omar, on the other hand, was serious. i, weirded out, continued heckling the two via YM. i was often asked and teased about my dates so i was clueless on the difference here.
finally, omar blurted out lines like
"it's my life and there are things that i'd like to keep to myself."
i know this line. i've encountered it before when i was asking about his dinner with farrah. i simply asked if he went out on a movie with farrah and he went on a rampage about his time being his own. his reply was an over-reaction to a one-line query. i understood what it meant then and i still understand what it means now. then, i told myself not to ask him anymore about questions of those nature. how was i to know that his trips with mia were of the same nature?
"and please do not look badly at mia because of this. wala siyang kinalaman. ako ang nagyayaya." i rarely speak with mia. i think she's a cool girl actually. i find her funny. was just chatting with her before i went on leave and i was laughing then.
and here's the top prize, the point of all my fuss
"i'm sorry if i lied. but that's just the way i want it to be." why lie? what for? i would understand if someone's life was at stake? but, why lie here? i've always seen him go out with other girls before? i've always thought honesty was his chief priority. why the lie here? these are merely simple questions. who is he protecting? mia? i won't go charging mia, that would definitely take me out of line and i definitely know where i stand. me? from what? i've seen and heard worse before.
some icing on the cake would be comments like
"let's finish this. anything else?" yeah. but then, that's him. and comments like these though annoying are usual.
anyway, my lines were
' i hate it when people lie. it's just one of those things i don't understand people do. on that note, you shouldn't tell people to trust you' that's cuz he used to tell me the line 'trust me'. a hehehe here..
'so i think you'd understand if i don't speak with you every now and then, since i won't know when you're holding back,when you're lying, or when you're actually sharing.' that's cuz it's difficult for me to speak with someone and assess if they are telling me the whole story. that's what i do at work. assess people i speak with. and with friends, i really would want a break and just get the full story without having to determine, assess, and evaluate. that's what i need of friends, honesty. i won't be asking a question if i was not prepared for an answer. i recklessly dish out thoughtless comments and like someone told me, i should choke down on some my own.
so, what's the fuss?
after more than two years, i'm burning bridges. this is how much i dislike lying. i really don't see the logic and rational in it. even devils don't lie with each other. i wonder why it has to be done between friends. i value my friends. and sharing is usual one of those things allowing friendships to grow and develop. it's cliche but in common friendships when the sharing stops, the friendship usually dies out as well. how will this relationship further grow if simple questions like these can not be answered upfront? i am angry actually. furious, in fact. i don't like to burn bridges. building one takes time, a portion of your spirit is shared, a memory is injected in your mind. do i feel insulted? i dunno. disappointed? maybe.
i just hope the need to fabricate is not made out of fear. then that will really tick me off. cuz there are very few things i have low tolerance for aside from lying, cowardice is one of them.
but i don't need a funny line
'coz nobody laughs at a castle
that's crumbling down
---bring me down (rivermaya)
'coz nobody laughs at a castle
that's crumbling down
---bring me down (rivermaya)
Labels: esoteric cogitations
posted by cath at 2:40 PM
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