my view on travelling

i used to like to travel. i used to enjoy the long bus rides, the waiting at the airport, the packing, the mustering of strength before the commencement of the journey. the past few months, however, my interest for this hobby waned. initially, i thought it was because i got left out from the batanes trip which i really wanted to be a part of (i had to prioritize work. further, i had the feeling my manager was complaining to me because her leave had yet to be granted. by the higher-up's stance, it seemed unacceptable both of us had to go on leave at the same time. note: she and i were supposedly on the same trip to batanes. i decided im tired of hearing her complaints and thus withdrew my approved leave. i backed out from the trip and had my ticket refunded.) as i felt i was able to decline this trip, i might as well continue on declining to join the other trips. the only other trip i had thereafter was in china where the temperature was excruciatingly cold, i was financially unprepared, and i felt i was the group's 3rd wheel. regretful? i didn't want to think so.

now, with more time on my hands and with finances i can try to work around with, i still remain hesitant about joining the trips. this left me pondering. why am i losing interest? what is it about travelling that used to move me? hence, i seek answers from my earliest wanderings and try to re-discover what fed on my interest and what weakened it.

so what's killing my interest?

the earliest trip i remember was when i was 3 or 4 yrs old. la union, the only memory i had of it was me worrying about my companions' slippers being washed away by the water. i sat on a small bench and entasked myself to keep their slip-ons safe. i remember another incident of the same nature. pampanga, my aunt entasked me to watch over the chihuahua while we were at the beach. those were annoying instances.

now, only a few things annoy me during trips. what im having more of recently are disappointments. they can be general matters like moments of deprioritization (sticking to a schedule over strolling aimlessly and immersing self with the place visited: bohol trip) or reaching places which are nearly threatened locations (likely due to exploitation, over-crowding, too many metropolitan establishments: baguio, boracay, tagaytay). disappointments can also be personal. this may emerge from relationship issues within the group eventually influencing the overall mood of the group (boracay 2007).

off-site, work-related trainings/workshops/client tours are out of the question. i don't consider most of them as journeys (work trips to malaysia, singapore).

so, what used to move me?

1) the feeling of independence/freedom.
one of the earlier positive feelings i've learned. this reminds me as to why as a kid walking alone to another area of our subdivision was already a treat. this can recur if one decides to separate from one's travel group (galera 2005, baguio 2008).

2) momentary escape.
trying to experience or get a feel/view of someone else's lifestyle. (gumaca, quezon; bantayan, cebu; coron, palawan)

3) the promise of a discovery.
usually this happens without the help of a guidebook or someone else's travel blog. this may happen while speaking with a local (angono, rizal: 2-wk immersion for an NGO project), continuous walking (saigon, vietnam: work-related research), aimless wandering (laguna eco zones), arriving without an itinerary or prior preparations (vigan, ilocos: w/o lodging), and sometimes just seeking one's basic needs and keeping your eyes open along the way (beijing, china: hutong streetfood and backpacker's inn)

4) a state of play with a very small touch of danger.
produces feelings of exhiliration, achievement, adventure, satisfaction, happiness. may be elicited by doing things for the first time (mountain trek in quezon: crossed a bridge made of 2 kawayan, trekked for 7hrs due to muddy path, carried 5 growing seedlings from the plant nursery along the way, then picked up trash and filled a sack on the way down), doing unfamiliar activities (banahaw caves: crawling through the tunnels holding only a candle), and encountering unexpected forces from nature (twin peaks, batangas: underwater current; malapascua: thresher shark, sailing over waves bigger than the boat transport).

5) learning to appreciate and eventually to respect another's culture.
(paete, laguna: as a 10yr-old tagged along our aunt as she bought wooden sculptures and lanzones; ilagan, isabela: as a highschool kid tagged along w/ my folks as they went about their business with some locals; capas, tarlac: outreach program with an aeta community; sagada, mt province: vacation with officemates)

6) finally, getting to know the Creator a little bit more.
this was my strongest mover. reasons 1-5 sprung from this reason. this was also among the reasons that inspired me to take pictures of beautiful, lively yet peaceful things rather than dreary, violent, realist pictures of daily living.
may be attained by being sensitive to one's surroundings. the soft breeze atop a hill (batangas, as an 8yr old, tagged along w/ my aunt while she scouted for a property), the powerful wind from the shore (ilocos: bangui windmills), a placid water surface (my aunt's fish farm in bulacan), the beautiful, giant waves formed by a super typhoon (while crossing over to malapascua island), an odd-looking boulder beautifully balancing itself at a cliff (on outing in laguna when i was 10), the nocturnal silence and intimidating darkness (overnight retreat in calaruega), imposing wind creatures (while visiting davao's philippine eagle centre).

so what now?

should i just join each and every trip that presents itself? maybe not necessarily. sometimes a trip is more rewarding if interest for the destination has been brewing over quite some time. if curiousity towards the location fails to decline, then it's likely a good indicator that the place has to be visited. do i miss out if i don't join a trip? to some extent, but usually it depends on the location being visited.

haayy..this is just me doing clearing-my-head kind of writing. i feel i want to join this trip, but my heart's not fully into it...im trying to understand why.